She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
