Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
