I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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