We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
