Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
