paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
