we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
