Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
