If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
