im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
