Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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