You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
