Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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