I think I won the penis lottery.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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