I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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