he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
