i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
