I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
