does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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