8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
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