he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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