My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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