Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
