hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
