ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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