my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
