That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
