I should be sponsored by Trojan
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
