Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
