toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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