Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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