you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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