I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
