I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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