Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
