If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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