Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
