wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
