I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
