Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
