Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
