the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
