mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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