i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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