life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
