the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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