"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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