I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
