im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
