Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
