Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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