I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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