i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
