Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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