We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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