I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I won the penis lottery.
zippers are such a cool invention
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
