OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
