If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
